A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, an inquiry begins.
One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement. "Okay Simpson," says the investigator, "you were near the scene, what happened?"
"Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up."
"He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator said in stunned horror, "How long had he been with the company?"
"About 20 years, sir"
"20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done."
"It was, sir."
This young couple had only been married for one night when the blonde bride went to the doctor to say, "This is my first day of marriage, and there is something that bothers me."
Doctor: "What is it?"
Blonde Bride: "Well, during sex I feel his dick touch my kidneys."
Doctor: "Just send in your groom, and I will cut a couple of inches off and hopefully it will not reach your kidneys."
Blonde Bride: "No, I want you to remove my kidneys instead."
A woman walked up to the bar and ordered a Guinness. As soon as she had taken her first sip of the heavenly nectar she was distressed to see a drunken, unkempt man sit down next to her.
"Say, honey-baby...I'd really like t'get into those pants o'yours ... you lookin' mighty fine."
Looking nonchalantly over her shoulder at him, she replied, "Thanks, but I've already got an asshole in there."
An airplane is about to crash, and there are 5 passengers left, but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger, George W. Bush says,@1 "I am President of the United States, and I have a great responsibility, being the leader of nearly 300 million people, and a superpower, etc. I am also the smartest president ever." @5 So he takes the first parachute, and jumps out of the plane.
The second passenger said, "I'm Antoine Walker, one of the best NBA Basketball Players, and the Boston Celtics need me, so I can't afford to die." So he takes the second parachute, and leaves the plane.The third passenger, Hillary Clinton, said "I am the wife of the former President of the United States, and New York Senator, and I am the smartest woman in the world." So she takes the third parachute and exits the plane.
The fourth passenger, an Old man, says to the fifth passenger (a 10 year-old boy scout), "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, so as a Christian gesture and a good deed, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.
The boy scout replied, "There's a parachute left for you sir. The world's smartest President took my backpack."
A little boy and a little girl were sitting on the porch talking, when the little girl asked, "Do you want to get undressed and we can play doctor?"
The little boy replied, "That's too old fashioned.? Spit out your gum, I want to play President."
Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had. After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."
"I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"
Brother Charles replied,"Well, I'm the fish friar."
She turns the other brother and says, "Then you must be...?"
"Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk."
It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.
"No," says the neighbour. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for final game of the Stanley Cup playoffs and not use it?"
The neighbour says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head, sadly, "No. They're all at the funeral."
A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5,000.00 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a news stand to buy a paper. Before leaving she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32 " the clerk replies.
"I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into MacDonalds and asks the counter girl the same question. She replies, "I'd guess about 29".
The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47."
Now she is feeling really good about herself. While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question.
He replies, "I'm 78 years old and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands down your panties. Then I can tell exactly how old you are."
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell. Go ahead".
The old man slips both hands down her panties and begins to feel around. After a couple of minutes she says, "Okay, Okay, how old am I then?"
He removes his hands and says, "You are 47."
Stunned the woman says, "That is amazing. How did you know?"
The old man replies, "I was behind you in MacDonald's."